The Rebirth of J Molley
Images by Shadin Kara
*TW: Self-harm, suicide, substance abuse.
“The deeper I searched, the more lost I felt,” writes J Molley in an open letter on his Instagram, part of a string of posts marking his return to the platform since an unexplained hiatus in 2021. In the letter, he gives the first glimpse into some of the reasons for his time away, which he unpacks exclusively on the set of our March cover story in Johannesburg.
J Molley (born Jesse Molley) puts my mind at ease before even sitting down for the interview. “Nothing is off-limits okay? Ask me anything, I want to talk about it,” he says, removing his hoodie to try on some of the looks prepared for him. He stays true to his word, revealing every detail of his lifelong battle with depression and substance abuse, which came to a halt when he attempted to take his life this past October.
By the time 2021 rolled around, J Molley found himself in the midst of fighting what he describes to be a “struggle as long as [he] can remember”, and a dependence on substances that eased his anxiety about being flung into the spotlight at just 18 years old. “It all happened really quickly, one minute I was making music on Soundcloud and the next I was performing at venues all over South Africa,” he explains about his start in the music industry. He continues: “I’ve always been a naturally anxious person. It got to the point that I needed to be drunk or high to just manage my nerves about being on stage.”
Now 24-years old, J Molley is ready to share everything he has been through in his tape Almost Dead, in the hopes of giving some light to others who feel trapped in the darkness. Our interview takes place in the week of Riky Rick's tragic passing by suicide, and J Molley wants people to know it's not as rare as they might think.
He reveals that he often spoke to Riky about their respective battles with mental health and that the rapper reached out the day before he passed saying “He called me, wanted to check that I was doing okay and that he was excited about my project. His death did not come as a shock to me-we openly spoke about how this was something he had been struggling with for most of his life…That’s something I can relate to,” he shares.
His battles are strewn all through the 10-tracks- covering themes of substance abuse and suicide but also littered with the promise of better days. Molley is no stranger to controversy, from the women he’s dated to his face tattoo which reads “slave” (he talks us through this later) as well as a very public beef with another artist. It’s clear that J Molley is far from perfect, and in sharing his mistakes with the world, is slowly stepping into himself as both a man and an artist. Moreso, he needs everybody listening to know he hasn't figured it all out yet-but that he is trying.
Vulnerability is not new to J Molley, but Almost Dead feels and sounds closer than we’ve ever been to him. He notes that this music is more dark and rare than anything he has done before, but that he sees it as some of his most important work. He drives home the importance of having the right people around him and how love had found him when he needed it most through his family, friends, and current partner.
Dive into the mind of J Molley, his ongoing experiment with music as well as some surprising revelations in our full interview below.
This interview has been lightly edited for the purpose of clarity and context. Please note: exact method and details of suicide attempts have been omitted for safety reasons.
I want to take you back to the moment you decided you wanted to do music. Was it something you always wanted to do?
Yes, it’s something I always wanted to do. I grew up in a very musical family, watching both my parents sing on stage and play instruments. I spent a lot of my time with my two older sisters, playing karaoke in the living room. I had a toy guitar at a very young age, and pretty much knew out the gate that I wanted to be a rockstar. I learned how to play properly around 9. At age 14 I started to get into Hip Hop but [through dancing] so you can say I was always around music.
I quickly realized I wasn’t going to make a career out of dancing, so I dropped that. I then got into photography for a while, taking pictures of other rappers and artists. We started a rap crew together, but I was just the photographer. Eventually, I was encouraged to join in and I made my first song, which did very well on Soundcloud.
What was the first song?
It was called “Laced” and it did like 10,000 plays in the first week, which was a lot back then.
Where and how did you grow up?
I was born in Kensington, Johannesburg, but grew up mainly in Pretoria. At 18, I moved to Joburg and decided to pursue music seriously. I dropped out of high school in my final year [of homeschool] so there was no plan B for me.
What is your relationship with your family like?
They’ve always been supportive, mostly my mom. My dad left us and my relationship with him never really recovered from that. I’m not mad at him anymore, but I have no interest in pursuing a relationship with him.
How do you feel like that relationship has affected you?
In so many ways. He left when I was 10, so I definitely know that it affected me a lot growing up and why I felt the way I did.
Who or what has influenced you as an artist?
My biggest influence is Jimmy Hendricks. His music takes me to another place and was the reason I wanted to learn to play the guitar. Michael Jackson would be on this list for sure, and when I think about the new school- Travis Scott is really up there for me.
How would you describe your sound?
I never know how to answer this question. I guess I would have to call it alternative hip-hop. Very dark, soulful, futuristic.
How would you say this sound has evolved since your last release, All is Fair in Love and War?
It’s definitely more hip-hop. It’s not as versatile as some of the stuff I’ve done before, I would say it’s a bit dark, but also more mature. Funny enough, I’ve been experimenting with Afrobeats, which is what my next stuff will sound like
Before we get into the content of your new project, let's start with the title, “Almost Dead”. Tell me about the story behind that.
I basically committed suicide last year. My heart stopped, and they were able to bring me back to life. Funny enough, it was the day I was supposed to drop the artwork for this project.
Wait, Almost Dead was made before everything happened?
Mostly, yes. Between August and October.
What about that moment in your life made you feel like you didn’t want to be here anymore?
I've always felt like that. I’ve been suicidal since I was a kid. I guess it’s part of my diagnosis- I have Borderline Personality Disorder [which I found out last year] and suicidal thoughts are definitely a symptom of that. I didn’t tell anyone, because the thing about suicide is that you consider doing it so many times before actually going through with it…This time I went through with it, next thing I knew I woke up in the hospital 3 days later.
What do you remember about that time?
It’s a little blurry but I remember waking up, being told that I had pneumonia [from the way I attempted to take my life], and my shirt covered in blood. This may sound dark, but I woke up disappointed that I was still alive.
Is that how you feel right now?
I have my moments, but all in all, I’m happy I have the chance to still be here and to share my story with people who need it, you know?
Sadly, we lost artist Riky Rick to suicide just a few days ago. You wrote about your last conversation-what was that like?
He called me like he did many times before…wanted to check that I was doing okay and that he was excited about my project. His death did not come as a shock to me-we openly spoke about how this was something he had been struggling with for most of his life…That’s something I can relate to. I don't necessarily view death in a negative light. I see it as freedom and peace. I definitely feel for the people he left behind and what they have to do to deal with this loss.
What did your recovery look like following waking up in that hospital?
My mom came to see me every day, I was super emotional because I was off my meds for my BPD and depression. It was a tough time, little did I know that a lot worse was waiting for me on the other side.
What do you mean by that?
I was committed to a psych ward soon after that, which I can easily say was one of the worst experiences of my life. Because I had admitted to using drugs on my hospital form, they were able to commit me against my will and enroll me in the rehab program. I was excited to go, to be honest, but it was more like a jail than anything else. I can’t believe that they send people to that place to get better.
So when did it start looking up for you?
Honestly, once I made it out of there I was grateful to be alive. I’m fine being bored these days because I know what real boredom feels like inside those walls. I started using at 13 years old, after 10 years of this I’m not where I want to be, but I’m getting better every day.
Do you feel like being in the industry has worsened your relationship with drugs and alcohol?
Absolutely. It all happened really quickly, one minute I was making music on Soundcloud and the next I was performing at venues all over South Africa. I’ve always been a naturally anxious person. It got to the point that I needed to be drunk or high to just manage my nerves about being on stage.
It feels like people are getting reintroduced to you for the first time with this release. Is it that you are being more open with this project or do you think you’ve grown to a point where you have more to share with your audience?
I’ve always been pretty open, I just wanted to embrace it more. I’ve received countless messages about how my music has helped people and I just wanted to continue doing that. I’m trying to find something bigger right now, and for me, that’s helping other people.
What are the new habits you have to help you in your recovery?
Firstly a diet that I fell off of for the last two weeks [laughs]. Then, mixing medication with therapy, working out, and focusing on the music once again.
In the statement you put out on Instagram, you mention that this was not intended to be the next project you put out into the world, what changed?
I was supposed to drop a proper album, with a ton of features [Blxckie, Ckay, Shekinah, Sho Madjozi, but this tape felt more important. Everything that happened to me in the last year is reflected in this project, but the album will come.
Who is this project for?
For my fans. Anybody that needs it, who seeks upliftment and faces similar struggles.
Substance abuse and mental health are two of the strongest themes that have come up in this rollout. In your experience, how does the entertainment industry affect and deal with these two issues? What do you think should change?
I think Riky’s passing has definitely brought the conversation to light this week. However, the industry is very toxic. This was honestly the worst career choice for the kind of problems I have. Comparison definitely makes everyone feel like sh*t and we don’t talk about struggles with alcohol and drugs as much as we should.
You seem to have a pretty solid community of people who have been with you through what is some difficult times. Has it always been this way or have you had to learn who to trust as you’ve grown?
People come and go, but pretty much the same people have been around me since the beginning. We are like a family and that has helped me during difficult times. We have grown a lot and that has also come with a lot of disagreements. My advice for others would be that it's important to make your own judgments about people, instead of just believing everything they feed you. My girlfriend has helped me a lot in this last year, I’m super grateful for her.
What's your favorite track on this project and why?
“Rumours”. It’s the first track on the tape, and it's inspired by my last project [All is Fair in Love and War]. It’s kind of like the “old J Molley”.
Is there a difference between the person you are today and the “old J Molley”?
Sonically, for sure. I’ve also grown a lot and that shows in my music.
You have a bunch of tattoos, most famously “slave” under your eye. Do you wanna talk me through the meaning of it?
It’s caused a lot of trouble for me on social media and stuff but I honestly had no bad intentions, For me, what it represents is being a slave to the system, to money, to capitalism. I myself am a slave to these things and it’s a reminder to live in spite of that. Nothing more, nothing less.
What would people be surprised to know about you?
Well, during my time as a dancer, I used to go head to head with Costa Titch.
You’re joking.
Swear to God. It’s funny because we used to compete in dancing, and now we’re both in music, which I think is pretty cool.
Where do you see yourself in one year from now?
Alive, hopefully.
//Credits:
Creative Direction and Photography: Shadin Kara
Assisted by : Montana Platt and Kurt Trompeter
BTS Camcorder: Montana Platt
Producer: Chloe Turner for Paper Friends Productions
Production Assistant: Kabelo Monaise
Wardrobe: Chloe Turner
Letterman Jacket : @jksnstates
Suit : @elast.o
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